I must be ADD

So a few years ago I read something that made me suspect I might have been ADD for most of my life. What it was I have no idea but I did some reading after that and decided that it really fit. I didn't, however, do anything about it other than periodically say to myself "Yep, I have GOT to be ADD".

I have spent the last few nights reading a blog and she mentions periodically that she has ADD. Tonight I read her post about ADD and consequently followed links to other blogs about being ADD and now I have 15,000 web pages/tabs open, all which feel like these people, both the bloggers themselves and the many, many people commenting, are living inside my head. Especially...I was going to....now I need to...STOP.

Sorry.

Part of the reason I haven't done very many blog posts is not so much that I can't think of anything to write about or think of anything to say, it's the fact that I always have so much running through my brain in such a disjointed mess that trying to pick a topic and actually stick to one train of thought long enough to write a post feels impossibly overwhelming the majority of the time.

One person mentioned something about ADD people talking too much or something. I tend to be the opposite. Since I have trouble forming complete thoughts I just keep my trap shut. I guess the saying my grandma had hanging in one of the spare bedrooms when I was a child made an impression on me. It said "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt". I have heard variations of that saying many times throughout my life but the first was an old, weathered looking yellowish plaque that in my mind I can still see hanging on the wall.

It's one reason I have never enjoyed arguing or debating. I HATED the debate portion of my public speaking class even more than I hated the public speaking class to begin with. Even with notes in front of me (and who has those during a real life argument?) I can't keep track of the argument. Half the time I can't keep track of my own side of the argument, let alone be able to process and appropriately react to the other side. I have been known to start an argument on one side of the fence, lose track of what the conversation is about, follow my train of thought and end up finishing the conversation thinking I did good. A few minutes later the realization hits that somewhere in there I switched trains and ended up arguing the wrong side of the conversation. This is where my ability to see both sides of an argument gets me into trouble, I can literally talk myself into changing my mind. Very annoying.

I am going to go do some more reading and see if I can figure out any way to maybe make a difference in myself. I don't know if it's ADD or high functioning autism (which I have also had reason to suspect), at times I have thought perhaps manic depression or bi-polar. There's definitely something going on and I'm having a hard time with it again.

It's why I am having such a hard time at work, I get so overwhelmed feeling and frustrated. The stupid thing is that I was reprimanded for getting too stressed out by the customers but what I was unable to say at the time was that it really isn't the customers themselves that stress me out so bad. They can be difficult and frustrating, sure but mostly they are fine. It's simply the fact that the phones never freaking shut up. Ok not never, but when we get a rush going and I hang up the phone and before I can even get my screens set back to be ready for the next call it's already ringing again and I get apprehensive even after being there for almost 3 years and being GOOD at my job I still get super nervous sometimes that WHAT IF I don't have a clue how to help this person. It does happen but not that often. Well, no, actually now that I am on tech support it happens much more regularly which is part of why I get so stressed when I see it's a tech support call. I have never felt so stupid in my life as I have since I started having to do tech support.

Ugh sorry about that. This was not supposed to be a post about work, I don't even like talking about work. I let my mouth get away from me several years ago about a job I had and it haunts me to this day how it turned out. As a rule I don't let myself talk about work like this. Maybe I should just delete the whole last paragraph. Let me read it and see what I said, then I will decide.....Ok well I guess I didn't say anything bad, but I will not say anything more.

Anyways, what I was saying when I went off on a tangent about work is that things have been good for quite a while now but lately I feel like I am struggling more and more with myself, trying to keep things under control and not doing a very good job of it. I can't seem to be the person I really want to be, not just in how I think but the control I have over what I do. I am so tired all the time but I don't think it has anything to do with needing sleep or actually being tired, I think the stress just overwhelms me and the only way I can get away from it is to sleep. *sigh* I don't know. I need to figure something out, I know, but that in itself is part of the problem. Keeping one train of thought going long enough to figure out what to do. We'll see what I can do.

Here's a couple of the blogs I looked at tonight that rang oh so true to me.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2009/10/i-am-not-drug-addict-so-stop-thinking.html Mostly on the building up nerves about doing stuff, losing track of time and getting nothing done, holy crap is that me. Ask my poor husband. I *want* to do stuff, I *want* to do housework, go to the gym, eat good, but somehow it just all ends up out the window and leaving me sitting there wondering what happened to the day.

http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2010/06/23/where-are-my-keys-i-lost-my-phone/ omg yes on the losing shit. Or simply forgetting things. I rarely make it anywhere with everything I intended to take with me. I have been known to get a bag of stuff ready to take to work with me, HANG IT ON THE DOOR KNOB, have to TOUCH it to open the door to leave and yet still manage to make it out of the house without it.

http://isabelthespy.tumblr.com/post/704496674/add-is - uhhh, just yeah.

http://the-xtina.livejournal.com/1544665.html - Yeah, again, losing and forgetting shit gets OLD.